My mom gave me away for adoption when I was 15. Yes, 15! If I think about it now, I couldn’t fathom why anyone would give away their child at that age. I mean, wasn’t I part of the family? Didn’t they want me?
To think they weren’t even struggling in life. My mom gave me away to my wealthy aunt who couldn’t have a child, but regardless, I felt like a puppy! I have three brothers, and I’m the eldest. I was her only daughter, and she gave me away! I thought my stepdad didn’t want me because I wasn’t his. My stepdad was a policeman, and he was the one providing for the family so that I couldn’t ask my mom for anything. At least my brothers can.
My first year with my new family was great. I could buy whatever I want which is something I have never done with my real mom. When I turned 17, my step-parents started to argue a lot. The once happy house became so quiet that I felt alone. Nobody cared how lonely it was for me, and I couldn’t demand comfort from my aunt. I thought she was struggling herself. Things got pretty bad, and the family started to fall apart, and I learned that they were getting a divorce.
This was the beginning of my struggle with depression and anxiety.
You may experience anxiety as the feeling of having a pit in your stomach when you worry about something or as thoughts that race around keeping you up at night. Or even as a sense of dread that you’re not going be able to handle what’s ahead. – Alicia H. Clark PsyD
Some people who are diagnosed with depression do not report feeling depressed, sad or low, but rather, they report experiencing significantly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. Either one, or both together, can be present when considering a diagnosis of depression. – Simon Rego, PsyD
Where Am I going to Go?
What’s Going To Happen To Me?
Before everything falls into pieces in front of me, I ran away with a friend. Although I was uncertain of what I was going to do, I felt free. For once in my life, I had control of where I was going to go. I had a choice. We rented an apartment and worked as a performer. I had to drink with the clients, so I was drunk every night. At first, I felt I had the time of my life. I enjoyed meeting new people, and they seemed to enjoy my company. Some men even offered me marriage, but I was enjoying myself too much to settle, and I was always a believer in love.
A few months later, my friend left me. She met a guy, and they decided to live together, so I was left alone. I had on and off relationships, but they all didn’t work out. The last one I had made an impact on me. He was an addict, and I was the one supporting him. There were times he’d hurt me whenever he asks for money, but I would tell him no. I knew I had to get out of that relationship, and I’m not that weak to stay when I know I don’t mean anything.
I finally had a new place to start a new beginning, again. It’s like having my fourth life. When I got settled, I began to have nightmares and some other odd things happening to my body. I sweat, and I feel like I’m running out of breath. Sometimes, I think that I’m dying, and I just get so scared that it causes me my sleep. I don’t get excited about the stuff that used to be fun for me. I just felt that I am sinking into a dark hole, and I couldn’t do anything!
I knew I needed help, so I took the step to get myself to counseling, but I felt nervous and hesitant when I got to the therapist’s office. I got nervous. I didn’t know what to say, so I went out of the building even before I reached the clinic. When I got home, I started to feel weird again. I was sitting on my couch and staring at my computer screen for almost 20 minutes. Then an idea popped into my head, “I might as well look for help online.” Then I spent half an hour reading about online counseling, which I think I’m going to try. I have booked my first session, and I’m hopeful that things will be better for me. “The benefits of therapy extend far beyond periods of crisis,” according to Ryan Howes, Ph.D. “Many people want more than to be ‘not depressed.’ They wonder what they can do to be the happiest, most productive, most loving version of themselves.”
I am ready to know myself and understand why I feel what I feel. Whatever’s in the past is gone, and although I feel sick, I am full of positivity that I am on my way to see better days. I’d put my trust in online counseling.